Can there always be a silver lining?

Wednesday 6th December I have an appointment with dr drake. I’m sure I’m not the first person who half expected to see the singer drake and I couldn’t get the song hotline bling out of my head. Unfortunately I was not met by a celebrity, but instead, a highly qualified consultant, and no, the lyrics to a chart hit did not fill the room rather it was stages of cancer, treatment plans and dates of future appointments. I was told I had stage 2b cervical cancer, according to the mri I had some suspicious lymph nodes in my pelvis. They couldn’t say for sure if these were cancerous from the mri so more tests and surgery were required next.

I had the surgery on the 21st of December, twelve days on and I’m tired, I’m sore, I’m angry and I’m frustrated to list but a few of my current emotions. I’m frustrated that I can’t do the things I used to without feeling sore and tired. I’m angry that this is what my life has become. I just want to feel like me again… I want to be able to go shopping without feeling dizzy, without needing a seat every few steps. I want to play with my kids without worrying about them hitting my stomach and hurting my stitches, I want to take my dogs for a walk without thinking would I actually make it round the park. These things will get better in time, it might take a while but they will get better. One thing that won’t change though is the fact that once treatment starts I will no longer be able to have children. The radiation will weaken my womb and kill my ovaries also meaning that I will go through early menopause, which will bring a whole new host of life long side effects. At first this didn’t concern me. I have two beautiful children and I am more concerned about being here for them rather than having any more. The past few days though the thought of having more children has crept into my mind and I have to admit that the thought of never being able to hold a new born child of mine hurts a little. Being a mum is all I’ve ever been any good at, its all I’ve ever known. I feel like I’ve been robbed of twenty years of my life, twenty years where I could have decided if I wanted more children. That decision has now been made for me, and Being honest I’m struggling to find the silver lining.

I’m still waiting on the results of the surgery. If the lymph nodes they removed test positive for cancer then the stage of my cancer moves from stage 2b to stage 3. Stage 2b survival rates is approximately 78%, with stage 3 this falls to approximately 50%. Hopefully tomorrow will bring some more answers.

It’s been almost four months since my cancer was discovered and I’m scared each day it’s growing and spreading. I hate the thought of the long lists of side effects that treatment will bring but yet I can’t wait to get it started. At least then I’ll know that it can’t be getting bigger.

Advertisements