When I was first diagnosed with cancer I felt like I was the only person in the whole world to ever have it. This is a ridiculous thought considering my mother in law had been through breast cancer, so I knew for a fact that I wasn’t the only one. Then, my focus changed a little and my thoughts turned more to why was I given such a terrible diagnosis? What had I done to deserve this? I know everyone would consider themselves as generally good living people in their own opinion, and I’m sure everyone that’s diagnosed, good or bad, has asked themselves the same questions. No matter how much I reflected on my life I just could not find anything that I may have done to justify cancer….. I was never going to find the answer of “why me”. I was angry with God for a long time, I was angry that in the weeks leading up to my diagnosis being confirmed, I prayed through tears begging that no matter what condition if any I had to endure just please don’t let it be cancer. I was praying to God every day that the doctors had got it wrong but they hadn’t, and I was angry that God either hadn’t heard my prayers or that he simply just ignored them.
Over the past few weeks however, I have come to believe that maybe there is a reason why I have been given cancer. I no longer believe that its because I may have deserved it, but rather that I have been given this to help others, to spread awareness, to remind people that there are sometimes no symptoms, to help people realise that they are not alone. I may be totally wrong but this belief is the only positive outcome I can find to having cancer and I’m going to take it. I have to find something good in this diagnosis or I would struggle to make it through. That’s when I decided to make what was intended to be a personal blog into this public one. I haven’t done it for attention, I haven’t done it for sympathy. I made it public in the hope that it may help someone. Already I have heard about four girls that its prompted into booking their smear tests and I don’t want it to stop there. I want to hear about every female my blog has reached booking a smear. Not only will you all be helping yourself but you will also be giving me the motivation to keep going through the days of chemotherapy, the weeks of radiation, the nausea, the vomiting and the tiredness all of which has already set in. So if anyone reading this wants to do something to help me, book you smear then message me on instagram (mrsbecksdavidson) on twitter (@trying_2_find) or on facebook (trying2findthemeaningoflife) and tell me. Each message will give me motivation that I’m doing something positive with a bad situation. It doesn’t matter if we are strangers or friends. I have already met some really great people on my journey so far and I want to meet more.
I no longer feel angry at having cancer, I’ve accepted that its just something I have to endure. It is very easy to get bogged down with side effects and the negative things. For example, the fact that when the chemo nurses come to put your chemo on the drip, they arrive with plastic full arm gloves right to the shoulder, they wear an apron and have safety goggles on. To think of how many precautions the nurses have to take to even handle the bag the chemo is stored in is unbelievable considering the stuff is about to be pumped round my whole body. However everyday I will strive to make something good come from it no matter how small it may be. Instead of seeing the negatives I will find the positives. So after my first day of chemotherapy and radiation here are some of my positives from the day, I got back in touch with a very dear friend that I had lost contact with. I managed to refrain from having a melt down and fainting over having the picc line inserted. I got my own private room and toilet on my first day of chemo and I met some lovely nurses and staff.Walking through the Bridgewater suit at the city hospital yesterday certainly put an end to my feelings of being the only girl in the world with cancer. There were rows and rows of people sitting waiting to get their chemotherapy and that was only a snapshot of one morning. This room would be filled with different people in the afternoon and different people the next morning, and different people the day after that. For every one that ends treatment there will be three more to take their place.
From the very start of my journey everyone has told me how brave I was being, I certainly didn’t feel brave and I still don’t most days. It’s classed as a good day if I manage not to cry. The friend that I have mentioned told me this again yesterday morning on the way to the hospital, when I disagreed and said I still cried most days he replied with the shortest verse in the bible…..”Jesus wept” John 11 v 35. Thanks to this friend I will never feel weak for crying again.