Monday 20th November….. results day. Did I have cancer or was this all going to be a massive mistake and I was going to be fine? Some days my thoughts were “the drs couldn’t get it this wrong, it has to be cancer” other days my thoughts were more like “no way is this cancer I’m a fit and healthy 26 year old. This wouldn’t happen to me.” Today was going to stop the wondering and give me answers whether I wanted to know or not.
My name is called by a nurse and she gives me a look, a look that I have got nearly every day since. I knew then that she knew I had cancer I just needed to hear it from the drs mouth. We walk into the room and to greet us is the dr and a Macmillan cancer nurse, again this should kind of say it all. I sit holding my husbands hand and the dr prints of my results he reads out a few lines of jargon which neither of us understands then looks up and says, so unfortunately the results did show cancer of the cervix. Everything that was said after this point was a blur every voice was an echo and nothing seemed real. I nodded when appropriate and left the hospital with a “life with cancer welcome pack” to read. Neither of us could speak as we walked to the car, we were on auto pilot. We started driving to my mother in laws house as she was minding our daughter. Just before we reached her house I told my husband to stop the car. I needed a minute before I seen them. I wanted to talk about it with my husband before I spoke about it with anyone else. It dawned on me that my mum, dad and other family members all knew why I was going to hospital today I was going to have to tell them, I couldn’t even say the words to my husband and he knew, how was I going to get the words to tell my mum? I asked Paul to ring her for me…..she cried, Paul cried and I cried.
The rest of the day continued much the same. I wanted to get it over with fast like pulling of a plaster so Paul called everyone and told them the news. Every time I over heard the conversation a new wave of emotions just filled me, I couldn’t believe I was causing everyone this pain, it was my fault my whole family was sad. I was scared my granny who lives on her own with a bad heart wouldn’t take the shock well, we drove to her house to tell her in person. The second she opened the door she knew and she cried….. through her tears all I could hear was “oh no, oh no it can’t be cancer.
As the shock settled in and the questions started coming I realised that I knew very little other than the fact I had cancer. How bad was it? Had it spread? Was it an aggressive type of cancer? What were my odds of beating this? The next step was an MRI scan to determine the stage, this would tell me what my chances were. Would I be completely cured and start counting my years in remission or would I be counting the weeks or months I had left with my family.